You Love, You lose
by cyclone5000
Summary: After running into Yamato, Taichi laments on the feelings he has been hiding away for years. A rather short and angst ridden one shot that is rated T for language.


_Hello everyone. I realize it's been a long while since I've updated my stories. I've been working diligently on my updates but I found myself in a bad slump that I just couldn't get out of. But I managed to come up with this little oneshot so I'd figured I would post it up for feedback and to get my muses rolling._

_special thanks to my Yama-chan, I wouldn't be much without you. And to Baconator4ever, your words of encouragement help more than you think. _

_Please read, and leave any comments afterward. I truly appreciate it! This isn't something I normally write, so I would love to hear everyone's opinions!_

_enjoy! _

* * *

Tonight is one of those nights. A night when you remember all the feelings you try to forget.

After a long day, I open the door to my apartment. It's nothing too fancy, just a one person studio flat that's big enough for a college student and affordable by cutting some corners and working a part time job.

Taking off my shoes, and walking forth into my dark den, I toss off my coat onto the couch. Placing my work bag and textbooks on the counter I glance around at my living room and kitchen hybrid of a home.

"I should probably clean up a little," I sigh out to myself, noticing some mild messes that would probably have my mother in frenzy had I been living at home. Knowing full well that I wouldn't get anything done tonight, I pour myself a cup of water and head off to my bedroom.

My room was just as kept as the rest of my apartment. Only with yesterday's clothes spread out across the floor. Placing the cup on my computer desk, I quickly pulled my necktie off. Unbuttoning my work shirt along with the button on my pants before sitting down on my worn out chair and turning on my laptop.

I know it'd be useless. But at least I could try and distract myself before I start wallowing in the fits of my exhausting depression.

I keep trying to find new things to keep my attention. A couple of YouTube videos that would make me smirk on a good day. A few notifications on my Facebook page reminding me just how irritating that damn site is. I read a couple pointless, badly written articles on Yahoo. And open up a tab to forum boards to read a couple threads.

I have a checklist of things to do. It starts when I wake up. If I feel my head starting to throb, I take an Advil and try not to stress myself too much. If I can't pay attention in lecture, I just try to take legible notes in hopes of deciphering them later. If I find myself not wanting to go into work, I put on my happiest smile and make jokes with my coworkers and boss. Try to make things less dreadful.

If I start feeling heavy on the way home. If I start feeling like every step I take is a step closer to my death. If my headache from this morning comes back at full force. If I start losing my focus, and start dreading each and every breath I take. I remind myself to keep it together. The least I can do is to not crack in front of people.

By the time I'm home, I start to feel the pain doubling. The need to shroud myself in darkness. The shame in my pathetic existence. The loneliness that my fate entails.

Then I remember him.

One by one the memories of him start inching its way into the back of my eyes. And that's when I come to my computer.

I need to delay my emotions just a bit longer. Just a little bit longer.

I slam my computer close. The loud snap echoes throughout my unlit room. I probably snapped some part of the plastic again. But like I care at this point.

I slouch in my chair. Until my head is at the same level as the top of my desk. To which I edge myself closer to it. Barely mustering the energy to lay my head onto the cool wood.

I run a hand through my unruly hair. Tangling my fingers through the strands and giving my hair a hard tug. It doesn't snap me back to reality like how I was hoping. Instead I start enjoying the pain. A little too much so I force myself to let go.

"Take a deep breath Taichi." I tell myself. My eyes tightly shut. My lungs on fire as I hold my breath.

All I can see is him.

His thoughtful blue eyes aren't directed at me. His golden mane styled to look un-styled blows softly in the wind. His pale complexion and soft skin starts to make my mouth dry.

Ah he noticed me now.

The cobalt eyes stare directly at me. No longer looking unreachable and distant. They lighten up at first, and then slowly soften up in relaxation. He gives me a small smile and I can feel my knees go weak, "Taichi, is that you? I haven't seen you in a while. What are you doing just standing there?"

Standing away from you, that's what I'm doing.

"Nothing," I manage to sound normal instead of breathless and in complete awe, "I could say the same about you though Yamato." I smile warmly. My heart pounding rapidly out of sheer happiness, "What are you here for?"

Shit, why did I ask that.

"Hm?" Yamato beautifully muses, before offering an even more gorgeous smile, "Just waiting for my purchase."

Purchase? I look to the right of us as see a small shop next to us. Oh yeah that's right. This is a shopping plaza. I just killed my last working pen and had to buy a pack before my class starts later this afternoon.

But this is the store right before the one I need to go to.  
This is a jewelry store.

"Oh, what are you getting?"  
Fuck, why did I ask that.

"Well," Yamato looks away, and I think I can see a small blush on gracing his cheeks, "Today is mine and Sora's anniversary."

Through the glass window I see a young female worker pick up some small black box.

"As you know, we've been going steady for quite a long time now."

She takes it to a computer, and clicks away before firmly nodding her head.

"And well, I know it might seem a little bit too hasty 'cause we're young and all."

She starts walking towards the front door with a happy smile on her face.

"But I...I think that Sora and I are meant to be together."

I need to leave. Fuck the pens. I need to get out of here now.

"Uh huh, yeah." My voice cracked along with my heart, "Well sorry Yama, I just remem–"

"Excuse me, Mr. Ishida?" The jeweler clerk spoke over me and caught Yamato's attention before I could finish, "Your engagement ring is all ready to go!" She smiled perkily holding the box up.

My instinct was telling me to run away. But my feet were as heavy as cinder blocks.

Yamato smiled gracefully, taking the black box and opening it up. A small clean cut diamond engagement ring. Sweet, simple, beautiful and elegant. A perfect ring for Sora, "Thank you." Yamato chuckled softly, closing the box and putting it in his pocket for safe keeping, "I couldn't have done it without your help."

"No problem! I'm sure your girlfriend will absolutely love it!" The girl chirped before heading back into the store.

Yamato is going to propose to Sora.  
Yamato is going to marry Sora.  
Yamato will be happy.  
Happy with Sora.  
Not me.

"Yeah," Yamato blushed a little more heavily, "I was talking it over with Takeru and such. And I think that now really is the best time for me to propose to Sora."

I really didn't need to hear that.

"Oh, I, uh...I see." I choked on my feelings, feeling my heart screech as it tore itself up.

"I know I probably should have talked it over with you..." Yamato looked at me with sullen eyes, "It's just that…you've seemed really busy ever since we graduated high school. I know you've been working hard at your college and I just didn't want to bother you with this."

"It wouldn't have been a bother." I said firmly. I bit my lip, and pushed my emotions down successfully. I looked him straight in the eye, "I'll always have time for you Yamato."

Yamato looked a bit surprised, as if this was news to him. Well I guess I did run away from everyone else a bit too unexpectedly.

"Well, Taichi, I-"

"Go for it," I stated over Yamato. Knowing that this would be the only time I could say this without killing myself first, "Sora is the one you love right? Then it doesn't matter when you propose, or when you get married. She is the one you want. So just do it. Go ahead and propose to her. Go ahead and get married and be a happy couple that makes everyone else in the old gang jealous." I smiled brightly. Exuding confidence. Giving him full support.

Yamato's eyes were wide. I could see the fluster of amazement and gratitude within his soul, "Thank you Taichi," he pursed his lips before smiling in the happiest smile I'll probably ever receive from him, "You're really are most amazing friend I could ever have."

It's been about two months since then. Or has it been eight weeks? I don't know. I stopped keeping track.

I'm in love with Yamato Ishida. My rival, my best friend. I've been in love with him for as long as I've known him.

I can't tell if something happened within our early days that made me realize my affection. Or if I just have been slowly falling for the cool blond ever since I've met him. When I first realized that I had a crush on Yamato I tried to shrug it off as it was nothing. But as we got older, as I got closer to Yama, that crush kept growing into a blistering whirlwind of love and lust that hell itself couldn't contain.

But I had to calm the winds down. For Yamato's sake I'll control and withstand anything. I will do anything for my love.

Love.

Love is a game. It doesn't matter the number of players. It doesn't matter who or what is playing. The first one to fall in love looses. And if that is the case, I've certainly lost.

It's hard falling in love. It's harder when it's your best friend. Even harder when your best friend is a man. But it's definitely hardest when the person you care about most in the world, has someone else to love and cherish.

I was going to tell him actually. I thought about it countless times. Confessing my love for him. Opening up and leaving myself vulnerable for him to judge me. Mustering up all the courage my crest can bare just to say the three shortest words.

Why didn't I? Why didn't I do it earlier? Even if he did reject me. Even if it couldn't work out. At least he would have known. At least I wouldn't have to be alone with these pent feelings eating away at my spirit and core.

Yamato Ishida and Sora Takenouchi are now engaged.

Yamato said he managed to propose to Sora that night because of my encouragement.  
Sora even thanked me.

At this point, I could care less. I've lost my ability to feel. I can't bring myself to let go of him. And thus I can't bring myself to move on.

So I'll have to pretend. Have my fits in total seclusion so that he never finds out. Tonight I'll let myself drown in this sea of depression. But by morning I'll wake up with my checklist and go out to face the day. Pretend that I'm still Taichi Yagami. The strong leader, the bearer of courage.

That way no one will ever have to share this pain. Yamato can't know about my feelings. Sora can't know about my feelings. If they knew…they might get hurt. Or worse. It might ruin their relationship. I can't let that happen.

No matter what I have to go through. I can't let Yamato know the pain I'm feeling.

Why?

I don't want to hurt the person I love most.


End file.
